October-27-05 ( Stuff )

-01:27am-     Let's see what has happened within a month. Well... We've gotten down to what's left of people for SFGA. With next season's new goodies, they better find 3-4 new sr. supervisors (I put in my résumé) and a new full time. Everyone's back to school so we're down to low staffing... But we manage pretty damn well.

I'm sucking at school. With two calc math commons down the drain, I don't know what to do. For an entire weekend my damn eye was twitching over it and everything else going on =(. So that's something I have to work on. I passed pre-calc math over the summer pretty easily. This material seems easy until you actually sit down to take the exam where they test your intuition and not just whether you know the material or not.

Sunny and Kat came up to campus last week for a surprise for Anthony. We tried to go out but the girls got carded. Being that Kat looks like a 14 year old. So we hung out on campus and screwed around all night. Never got to show off my room, but oh wells.

I'm starting to know too many Greeks. I've had so many invitations for Halloween parties from brothers that I'm friends with. And you know what sucks? I have a physics exam Friday morning and I don't know whether I can or should go out. You know what sucks more? Sunny's coming up again so sitting behind a desk w/ a book open the entire night seems sooo much more enticing... =(.

After this weekend... I will have weekends again (no work). Let's see... I need to dedicate the first month to sleep, home work, little errands, and parties.

September-12-05 ( School Again )

-03:37pm-     I just got really depressed as I opened this up before I even started writing... WTF?!   0.o

So anyways... I'm back at NJIT taking Physics2, Calc, ME215, and Management. So far things have been good, let's hope it stays that way.

Girls are still confusing (nothing has changed and I'm getting worse off). Now I'm really stuck on the idea that showing interest in a girl will screw you all over the board. An example could be if you may be interested in more than one person, and you start leaning towards one. Does that lead the others to stop noticing?... I really can't say this right... What if you choose wrong and that fucks you up with everyone else. Then again that's if you get that far. Choosing at all is hard enough for me atm, my mind goes too far into it (as I think too much).

Friday at Jon's house was nice (thanks for the party favors). Just a chance to screw around without worrying about anything. There weren't any embarrassing picture this time, but there's always next time. I'll probably update webshots later and post the link.

Maybe it's just the mood I'm in right now, but I started to really miss last year (last fall) at SFGA. Keri, Jason, Vanessa, Julie, Sunny, and myself made it such a great time. I was already "forced" to be separated from Allyson this year, so it was almost like she was already gone. That didn't stop me from making sure nothing got in my way of being there for her on her last day. Twice in Looney Tunes I got choked up (I can be an emotional guy, so if you got a prob with that you can go Fuck Yourself). Anyways, it was hard letting her go. At that time and even now there's a lot of uncertainty of who's replacing her and how this (yet another detrimental change to the department) is going to affect us.

It's only like two months since my area changed and only now are my complaints coming out. the Experience feels nothing like it used to. That photo booth just sucks up all of the man power and wastes a supervisor (which is usually me having to baby-sit the booth meanwhile I have no say in how the rest of the area is doing. Time needs to be taken now and then to work on a store and it's not really happening from what I've seen. The nublets take the area and run it (yes they can manage it for the most part... but there's wrong decisions are made here and there and when it gets back to me I want to bang my head against a wall). I dunno... It feels like I'm going to waste out there.

August-22-05 ( Thinking )

-02:14am-     I'm going to throw a shit fit... Every time I want to do something important online I lose connection b/c Howell's cable connection sucks at the most random hours!? It's 2 am but at this point I don't think I'll be able to post this until tomorrow morning. =(

Anyways... One month later I think all that moody crap has gone away. I just realized that too, thankfully that's over with.

I had the weekend off and it actually felt good. I don't think that I have been rested in a very long time. I spent the weekend being a big dork playing Magic Friday night in Red Bank and and Saturday at a friend's house. But who cares, everyone should know that I'm like that. I enjoy my social life as much as I enjoy my gaming life. It's a 50/50 thing with me (although I haven't danced in a while now, and I'd be scared to start again =P).

I move back to school on the 31st of August and classes start on the 1st of September. They gave me a random freshman as a third roommate so that the school can squeeze as many people onto the campus as possible... Son of a bitch! =(. So yeah, I'll probably try to corrupt him from the start or if he's really bad, make finding somewhere else a sound like a good idea. His father wakes me up on my day off, calling the house to talk to his son's roommates (WTF is up with that). I have to do good this semester, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.

It's already noticeable that people have stopped working at the park. Every fall we're down to like no staffing and people like me have to do everything. It blows having the only people in the area placed in the photo booth and having to close the stores early with volunteers. But then again that booth alone makes more than all of those stores. So now that I think about it, If your looking at it that way, it's better off that that's what we do. Supervisors are leaving for college again (I'll miss Melissa and Vanessa).

What else... Ok, a big surprise to me... This girl started calling me a few days ago, and I thought that was weird b/c I know she has a b/f. So the next day she calls again and we have another random conversation. So now it's Monday night and everyday since last Tuesday I have heard from her. I'm confused there... The whole b/f thing is throwing me off there in trying to figure out her intensions. I'll have to wait and see what happens with that.

August-08-05 ( Passing Time )

-03:53am-     Not much going on right now. I passed my summer course, so you couldn't call it a waste of a summer. There's a lot of little things going on right now... None that I really want to get into right now, sorry.

I noticed that I have been a little moody lately. The "little things" mentioned above are bothering me just a bit. Just slap me in the face or something as I try to get my head right. Aside from that, I'm so fucking tired. I just haven't been getting a lot of sleep all summer long (maybe that's hitting me now as well =/ ).

well, just a head's up that more is to come soon... gnight

July-28-05 (Must Sleep)

-12:27am-     So tired... Oh man...  The two days at camp were really enjoyable. The one, we headed down to the waterfalls and swam in them for a while (it was soo relaxing). Let's see, there was lots of fire, card games, peaceful sleep outside, jokes, laughs. More stuff, just can't think straight this late. I want to get some more camp stuff out, but for now there's pics posted under the "webshots" link on the main page.

Seven something years after my parent's divorce, my father is still holding grudges. There's a lot stressing me out lately and this one is def not helping. He's calling me every day trying to get me to come to his house while waging this personal war w/ my mom... Which as much as he says, effects me and my bros more than it does her.

Adding to the dream list...
Dream #1: I can't remember what it was about anymore, but it had something to do with Keri getting into trouble and of course me helping.
Dream #2: (I always find myself taking care of or rescuing friends in most dreams) It was in some remote place with crazy thunder storms all around. Sunny and Vanessa passed out on the floor and Keri on a small couch. I found some blankets to put over them while they were a sleep. I sat in a chair and just watched over them. (I think something had happened or was going to happen... Dreams are so oddly put together).
Dream #3: Father did something bad enough for me to go off at him verbally. Brother gets hurt and I get into a fight w/ dad.

July-21-05 (Before I Forget)

-12:32am-     For whatever reason, I had some strange dreams last night and continuing day dreams this morning.

Dream #1: Greg got shot/killed in his basement, I got shot in my arm and played dead, the killer ran out of the house causing more destruction on his way out to Rt.9. (Ya, WTF? I really don't know.)
Dream #2: I drove past sunset to a parking lot where I saw Keri get knocked out, dragged into a car, and kidnapped. I drove off after making the guy crash from ramming him a few times. I think I pulled her out alive, but that's as far as I can remember. (Once again, where do I get these things from?)
Dream #3: Sunny and Vanessa get into a brawl leaving two by standers injured. (I hardly remember this one)
Dream #4: SFGA flooded in a huge storm and we had to take shelter in STP (oh no's). (I remember a lot of struggling to move around, fighting the current while trying to save everyone else.)
Dream #5: In the back room of my house (back on the night of my party) and everyone was there (minus Kevin and his friend). And it played out a lot more... Well, "exciting" in a rated X kind of way. (um... *blushes)

Back in reality... I found that camp is being really anal about medical forms this year so I don't know how I will get a full check up within the next 12 hours. I may have to just sit this one out this year... (that's a first in years that I won't be at camp). I suppose that means I would go to the Hurricane Harbor party with who ever I can tag along with. Nothing is positive yet... We'll see.

Only two more weeks of summer school left. The material right now is really tough, but I'm holding together still. When this is all over with I NEED A NIGHT OUT!!! Till then, I'm tired, sleep deprived, dreaming the weirdest shit, and unavailable.

Not much left, just that I'm a fool/jerk and finally recovered from that "crash" I talked about. Just as always I come out of it with a new outlook on things. IMO it's almost an automatic alarm on the brain that calls for a necessary re-evaluation of things. So it's cool.

If anyone wants to hang out and get something going, leave me one on my cell or on aim. <3

July-17-05 (Update Machine)

-04:03am-     Almost done with my updates everywhere. I really have just this left to type up.

So, don't mind me if I was out of it this week. Enough thoughts kept inside and you're asking to run down. I'm going to try something new this time as far as the females go. Go about my life not caring what they think till one puts any sort of notice to me. Trying to figure out what their thinking, whether mind games are being used or not, figuring my chances, etc, etc wastes too many thoughts on my part.

I'll probably date/see the first one that wants to (as long as I'm not turned off by this person) at this point. Most likely it will be no one I have my eye on. Which I hope doesn't screw anything up anywhere. I'm just tired of wasting my time. It's really not wasting my time, I don't think. I just need a change of pace or something new to occupy my time. Like I said before, I don't miss my Ex at all. I miss the time we had really. If there was some way to bottle up that feeling/experience I'd be set. Hell, It would probably sell over ebay like it was liquid crack.

Blame the guests! I'm walking in the middle of a large pathway at work today and a bug fly's into my face and hurts. Quickly I realize that that was a bee and I got stung between my nose and left eye. WTF?! is a bee doing stinging me in the middle of an open pathway? I want to blame it on a guest and say one really pissed that bee off. Luckily it didn't swell at all and I'm defiantly not allergic. I broke my 8 year streak of not getting stung (damn =/).

Happy Birthday Keri! Friday was a good night out for dinner and a movie. It was more like a reunion actually. All of us classic 330 guys were there (keri, jason, marc) and some of our new guys. Any time seeing her is always enjoyed. We even got to drive up north together last Wednesday. Well, kind of... We caught up with each other in the traffic on the parkway and drove close for a whiles. That's the second time so far (lol).

That's it for now. I'm still looking for a visual change for MySpace... Something cool, but not too fancy.

July-04-05 (Bed Soon Please)

-01:39am-     I'm just really tired. This will be put together quick.

Ok, last night was cool. I haven't hung out around Hove since last Feb when we went camping. I think the night was... eh... it could have been faster paced or more intimate w/ SFGA guys. I lost time to help unlock a car who's owner locked himself out. When someone asks and I reply, "I'll give you a massage"... I need to speak up (random thought).

The girls didn't last too long. Too much, Too soon... And then they were on and off for the most part. It's ok, I really do like being there (for lack of better words) the baby sitter. No, I really don't mean that in a bad way at all. I like taking care of people, a nice perk to having me around. I probably had enough to do in the three of them and kept going w/ no hangover... To tell you the truth, after I woke up and went to work, I felt pretty good.

Hm... And I get this one, "Brian how come your not tipsy"
Me: "Because I don't want to lose control"
noname: "eh, sometimes you just gotta let go"
Don't know why that was brought up. It has played over in my mind today a few times trying to figure out why it was even said to me. I suppose it's true though, I do force myself to keep cool/calm and never lose composure in most cases (except here where I write the behind the scenes crap). I've said it before, I keep a lot kept inside, be it a big or small deal.

So Keri showed up after a while. It was really nice to see her again. She had surprised me when she came into work earlier that day, letting me know she'd come. Unfortunately she had to leave early, but not before we had some time to talk a bit. I enjoyed that.

*** I have hilarious pics + video =P

Hm... In a good mood, relaxed, "my" music, really tired, now all I'm missing is someone to fall asleep to within my arms (ah! you thought I could go an entire post w/ out mentioning that =P).

June-29-05 (Recent Events and Shit On My Mind...)

-04:07am-     Last night was much needed after recent events. It was a SFGA crew night out and I'll leave it at that. I could have only wished it had lasted much much longer... Well, most parts that is...

A big change at work took place as my area changed places with another area. Everyone is changing thins around slightly (an understatement) to make it more manageable for them. That's fine, but the catch is that some people have to be left behind to act as either an expert or guide for the transition. Look, I get to be one of the ones left behind (sounds worse than it actually is). How long this will last, I have no idea really. I just have to suck it up and work with it... And while I'm at it, not to lose who I am and not conform and change everything I know... That's my goal. I do see minor bonuses to this though. It will be easier to get off or the same shift as people in the 330 family. Besides, I wasn't left alone, I still have Kat (I have your keys btw).

*School is wearing me out, but I have to do it. The pay off should be really good... I may even graduate within 5 years (lol).
*I'm looking forward to Sat.
*Saw Keri driving on the parkway two weeks ago (fyi: driving north with the bennies on Mondays SUCK!)
*Ross is coming back and I can't work with him anymore.

In a little bit, I'll work on a more serious post on MySpace.

June-16-05

-11:52pm-     So, big change since last time... I'm EXHAUSTED~!!!!! My normal Mon/Wed/Thurs is me waking up at 5:45am, driving a hour to two in traffic, taking class at 9am, ending class at 11am, and driving an hour back to good old SFGA for night shift, get out of work 10-11pm, sleep a few hours, rinse and repeat. Not bad, took me four weeks to feel the side effects of that on my system =(. I just drop like a brick at night.

I defiantly got hit by my Man PMS tonight... I was figuring I'd be due for a visit soon (seriously the thing does exist, look it up in a psychology book). Was at work by myself while it happened and every lil thing bothered me (not others, just everything myself). Eh, I hope I didn't rub off onto anyone in the wrong way. Nothing big I just was depressed with a few things on my mind, so I was off in my thoughts.

I don't want to keep diving into girl complaint rants. I just have a few things on my chest adding to it. Some are embarrassing at this point to write, some if it seems stupid, it's probably unnecessary, and probably the wrong direction to go in this time. Last time I went into this big thing about someone and... well... it got me nowhere with some misunderstood meanings (actually it started about more than one person but it narrowed for a certain reason). If I were to put the rest of the pieces together for you it would explain everything. I hold back as not to... um... eh, the whole "big picture" was bigger than I let it be. (lol listening to some Eve 6 as these lyrics pass just now "can't get this shit off my mind, I just want to be fine".)

I think Kelly scarred me in a way now that I can look over the aftermath. Before her I'd just, w/ out too much deep thought, let girls know that I like them. Well, never given a complete reason as to why the break up, I can only assume most things. One thing we had a big diff in was common interest, hobbies, and a few other lil things. So, was it these little things? Like... Should I only look for girls w/ perfectly the same interests? Because inadvertently I keep asking myself this these days... just from knowing the girl and never going out, comparing shit to see whether I think we could go out. Aren't opposites supposed to attract or something like that? Maybe there's a healthy balance? Should I even care about consequences when it comes to this? Should I worry about what friends, and other people I like think?

I forced myself to stay awake for this, and now I REALLY need to get to bed. So good night.

May-28-05

-03:13am-     Yay ride photo... long lines, disgruntled guests, wth is a q-bot, and more. Just a preview of the summer (lol). It's been nice having Joanne and Vanessa back =). The two have been missed.

Best Team Ever = Me, Vané, and Greg (one will die, one will lose everything, and the other will go insane!) =P.

Eh, forget this... I'm going to bed (GNight).

May-27-05

-02:03am-     I came to a conclusion. Things "are" different than last year. In a clearer explanation... I know who my close friends are now, and I wouldn't change them for anything. I'll manage to stay in school and get through till the end (not promising A's). I've had a record number of compliments at work (although I'm modest and try not to take them). And I've got a lil aim buddy. So here's to a good summer!

Good Night, <3.

-01:47am-     I don't take compliments well. When the person is really sincere and means it, it really hits me. "You are a nice person so go find somebody that will truly value that :)" I blush but at the same time it upsets me. It doesn't make sense, but when ever did anything I say ever did?

This school thing is going to hit me like a sack of bricks soon. Things look good now, and I can easily hide from everything else at work, but sooner or later I will have to deal with it.

-01:15am-     I uncovered some old letters and emails I had stashed away in a folder that I must have forgotten about. The very first rant, May 23, was why I had started this site in the first place a full year ago. In those letters was just one big emotional mess w/ me upsetting old friends and the same coming back. Probably the only time I had ever actually hurt anyone on my life (emotionally). I can't say it was fun.

"Enjoy life Brian...let it happen to you too. I have started to live a real life not one that I want to. I have let life happen to me and have stopped fighting it so much...try that for yourself it makes the trip so much more fun." Am I fighting things? This note is over a year old, yet I almost feel as if nothing had changed. I have the feeling that she'd say the same thing again to me at this point as advice. Why am I such an emotional fool (sad to say, but I shed a tear or two). Jason was calling me "evil sly" during this time last year.

May-21-05

-11:49pm-     Nothing too exciting. I rode Kingda Ka this week, I worked all week, and I'm finally unpacked.

Weekdays have been tiring working (nearly) alone. Jon and Julie have off on different weekdays. The few rare hectic moments had me missing Sunny and Vanessa or on that matter any other form of help. I managed though, and everything worked out.

My mom hit me with this one, "... I would think better of you if you had dropped out of college..." So how do I take that? I'm not sure. I just want to graduate with whatever I get. My lack of... uh... what's the word... enthusiasm? is what's getting to her. I really wouldn't care if it weren't for her helping pay for all this. So... My current plans are to ignore her and go ahead as planned and I'll talk more when she comes asking. Ya, it sounds bad, and I'm not trying to be a dick, but... I just want to move on from school... Graduate and get a life.

Ok that's normal stuff, troubled parents, school concerns. Well I've just about covered every one of my normal topics, except for girls. But there's nothing to comment. You know I'm confused as ever with that so there's no reason to go there tonight.

May-11-05

-05:12am-     So I'm up late pulling an all night'er for the last final of the semester.

It's funny how the last night went. Completely unscheduled and unrehearsed, guys from my floor came into my room to help dispose of whatever liquor we all had left. So someone had the smart idea to take the 151 and do flaming shots... The one guy chickened out and passed it to me (I was like this is no problem and I went really quick to take it). So what happened? The only thing I swallowed were flames, I choked, the shot spilled onto my hand, and the glass was dropped onto the floor... Ok, my hand and floor are now on fire lol. So from there on out we kept the lighters far away from us.

Mark: "...see... alcohol just makes us guys stupid, while it makes girls horny fucks."

I won't know my grades for another week. Everything accept Math 104 was passed. It's alright, I knew from like a month into the course that I wouldn't be coming out with a passing grade (since you can only pass math with a C or higher).

My car is almost packed... My fridge is defrosting and this computer still has to be taken apart. Aside from that I'm ready. So 8:30am exam, pack, get on the road, and back to Howell I go.

April-22-05

-03:35am-     Right now I'm taking a break from my Chemistry studying. It's going to be an all night'er for me and I am not going to make it through my night 6pm-8pm class alive.

-02:47am-     So like I said nothing overly exciting has been going on lately. I'm sure I will have plenty to say in a few weeks and more over the summer. I spend my weekdays taking classes, doing the little homework I have, and working for ITMS. My weekends are pretty much taken up by SFGA. The little space in between goes to sleep and WoW.

I had acquired an old AC window unit that worked after I cleaned it up and replaced the male end of the wire. It gave out cold air, and ran pretty silent... I think I have the perfect place for it over the summer.

The last few weekends have been fun as per usual at SFGA. We have ourselves a new supervisor, congrats Kat. Um... I spent some time in the construction zone (I had to wear a hard hat) as I helped set up our new stores. I was really surprised by what I saw in there. Its going to be a great season and I think all of the guests will appreciate the hard work done building the new area.

I think that I have come to terms with the fact that for some reason I like to be made fun of and enjoy having my life threatened. Well... Sort of... I don't know what brought it up but Tuesday night I woke up from a dream at which had nothing to do with work, but every time I did something the girls from work would be there to mock/threaten me. Once again, I have no clue as to how that came about. So I went back to sleep and the dream kept on going through the same routine until I remember waking up in the morning. That's the second dream I can could actually remember when I had woken up, and both dreams had the SFGA crew worked into it one way or another.

What else... C'mon brain... Its been a month think...

Oh last week I got my second message on MySpace from another random girl saying, "ooh I was just browsing pictures and I thought you were cute. Check my pic's and write back if you're interested." I'll just say that I didn't write back on either. It was pretty flattering though. I told a few other people about it and some of them even said, "well that's becuase you are cute." Another one was, "Your a sweetheart and you'll find someone that will make you feel special and that will have many things in common with you. If I wasn't with someone I would be with you because your a sweetheart. Your nice, funny, creative, and I can have intellectual converstations with you.." So, I don't know how to take those, I'm not really used to that kind of compliments.

It's been a few months of really thinking about this now and I'm still confused about it. See one factor I know that me and Kelly (ex) had been lacking was a large list of common interests. Got along fine, but in the end I guess we kind of bored each other out among other things. So how do I use that past information to help me today? I have thought it over before when thinking about girls. It has me thinking, "she's nice, but she doesn't seem to be into what I do." Is that wrong? Am I making things more complicated then they are?

I love how my mind and body does shit and leave me out of the loop. I mean I guess its just a noticeable conflict between the mind and the animal instincts that we have. For example really liking someone(s) and your attracted to them just form how your programmed and you start staring, and then your consciousness kicks in and is like, "hey stop that... c'mon it's not going to work... don't even... damnit i said stop." So that goes on until you finally win or she notices and u glance away asap to look at something else as to not let on.

The other thing that's weird now is that in my mind I have several choices (girls on my mind) compared the last time around. But since I don't know what I'm going to do with myself since I guess I'm trying to make a good choice w/ out screwing up... It's been hard. The other prob is that half of them I think/know would be interested and the other 1/2 I'm not sure of. So my fear of screwing up is that I pick one that doesn't work at all and then when I try the next it feels like I'm just going down the line which brings me to wonder if I'm just doing all of this b/c I'm desperate with nothing better coming my way for along time.

Alright, there's a month wrapped up right there

March-18-05

-12:11am-     Yup... Spring Break... Ya... I'm doing exactly what I had thought I'd be doing (which is working 9-5 every day). I have always enjoyed almost every moment in that park. Something unexpected happens everyday. Don't get me wrong, I would much rather be doing what I have been doing than another week at school. It's just been draining. I get home and it's like, "now what do I do?" I would probably work doubles ever single day of the break so that I can keep busy if I could. I have 8pm-11pm void that I have to fill. I don't watch TV anymore, my close friends have break on different weeks, and my old friends from Howell don't exist anymore. Yup...

I like getting stuck in this pattern where I make something for myself to do then I get bored of it. Then It takes a god amount of time before I find the next thing, but by then I've been really bored a few times. Myself bored isn't really a good thing. For one, I find myself back at this website. After too long I may go a little emo and think about not having a GF, the absence and disappearances of old friends. Just before I'm done I think I'll go off on those subjects and end it there. A month or so later depending on what's going on I start over.

The last few months have been pretty cool. I've been posting a lot less and keeping busy at school with friends there. So I realize that I only get this bad when I come home for long periods of time. You have no idea how much this pisses me off that I can't control this shit. WHY DOES IT KEEP HAPPENING?!?!

It's late and my mind is fried. Goodnight

March-17-05

-10:17pm-

So today I was headed out of admin's front door w/ the guys to go home w/ out the girls and I stopped. Knowing that they were still in the park, possibly working or whatever, I couldn't leave. I ran back to the merch truck and headed back out to find them. Now, they were just headed back to admin as I met up with them... But I felt better that I had made the extra effort.

There's reasons why I opt to go last, follow, and wait for everyone. One is just I hate leaving people behind and I hate putting myself ahead of others. I take pleasure in making my friends comfortable and being there for them. I want to be the guy you wake up with a 3am phone call saying your stuck and you need a hand! I just don't know if anyone ever notices...

February-22-05

-09:34pm-     Camping this weekend. I won't be leaving for home till 8:00pm. So that means that I won't be able to get home till 9 or 10. I'll list some of the things that I'll bring on Thursday. I've got a lot of work to do this week before it is over.

So that dream was really out there and makes a little sense, but all of the pieces are jumbled around to it.

To start I was driving at night on this mountain trail with snow all over the landscape. Was just driving along with a bunch of other cars in a line going through. During the entire ride, I would hear Greg's mother and father yelling at the other drivers and commenting on the road conditions. (I haven't seen his parents in over a month).

I walked alone in the woods for a while with the snow fall all around me.

I can't remember anything between, but for some reason I was back on a similar campus. It was still dark at night and I was walking through one of the buildings. Oh, at some point I found Vanessa. She said that she was worried about chemistry lab and asked me a few questions. I told her that it was easy and wouldn't be any problems. (Why chemistry, I dunno... Why is Vanessa taking chemistry, I dunno).

I walked into her chem lab and found her and a few other people watching these two insane / whacko TA's showing them how to shape and mold vanilla and chocolate pudding. (Ok, I have not a clue how pudding got into this at all). So I followed the class outside and the one TA was pouring something (I think more pudding) onto a window with a brush.

While we were standing out there it began to rain and lightening. The mess started to wash off of the windows as two deans began began to fight on the lawn w/ umbrellas. (Once again, I know... WTF).

I can't remember if anything else happened, but it ends with my mom's minivan going by, Sunny getting dropped off in front of some ghetto Newark house, and the van turning onto the turnpike south. (...Then I woke up... Why Sunny was there I'll never know... Why a Newark house, not a clue).

February-04-05

-05:12am-     O.o... ooh getting a few snow flurries outside.

So what have I been up to? Well... School, games, talking with a few friends, and listening to some music. Plus doing some thinking.

School: It's been going alright. My work has been going in and I'm staying on top of the subjects.

Games: Still playing WoW with everyone. I'm on top of the game kind of. As long as we keep two high level hunters I'll be happy.

Friends: I love AIM. If we didn't have this feature these days, I'd be really bored because most silly, and little conversations are a minor waste of cell phone minute. Oh! Speaking of which... Thanks A LOT for calling Tuesday night Vanessa!

Music: I'm listening to three songs right now as I do this. Our Lady Peace - Clumsy, Unwritten Law - Save Me, and Finger Eleven - Thousand Mile Wish.

At times I have a lot of things on my chest, and unfortunately most of it involves so many of the people I know that it's hard to find someone to consult. This is the best outlet I have for how I feel about different things. I let 70%-90% of the truth out always keeping just enough to myself and always thinking about what affects who. I let a lot of things out to Greg and Macfie. Even though I'm sure both aren't always listening and or under the influence (lol). But I do thank you guys for being there. (lol) I do wish I had other contacts to bear the brunt of my verbal attacks though.

It's always nice, in my opinion, to also have a female's opinion... Although most of this isn't possible. It's weird, since I met Linaly and had a few words about just random stuff, I have felt better. Feels nice to have an opinion from someone that you don't worry about them judging you. Same thing with Vanessa. It's just a little more different to have females to talk with about whatever than your guy friends... It's really cool. To tell you the truth... Thinking about this now... That's how it's been with every girl I met in EverQuest. God... Me and Reerum would sit off in the middle of nowhere in-game and talk forever with our characters in front of each other. We'd talk about the game, our lives... Hell, we even said after a few years that we kinda liked each other. Damn, if I had that with anyone in my own personal life, I'd be in heaven!

Anyways... Little different things get me thinking. Like a song, a movie, something someone said, or something on the computer. Usually I'm reminded of that 10%-20% that I never told anyone. If I said everything right now... I'm not sure who would say what and how everyone else connected would react. Last time I (unwisely) said a few things here that got out before I knew all of my friends went here for a kick. So as the example is... My comments went out one sided and not completely true. (Just came close to saying, "screw it," and letting something slip... But I'm still withholding information there.)

Between what I'm thinking and my rambling it's so easy for me to fill several pages. That's why I wish I had someone better to talk to. Man... It's all on the tip of my tongue and I would love a way to get rid of it.

Alright It's late and I need a little bit of energy for the classes tomorrow. So I get through Friday's classes late at night, log on really quick to WoW to get into the raid, spend a few hours raiding (hopefully I get some phat loot), once we've wrapped up I'll drive home. There will be a raid or two on Saturday. On Sunday, it's off to Sunny's for the game and some fun. That's my weekend... I think, give me a call and I may be able to squeeze you in to my schedule =)... <3

January-27-05

-08:17pm-     Coming home this weekend. I'll be off Saturday to celebrate Kat's birthday. I wanted to make an update, but not much is really going on. Last Friday me and the guys on my floor lost the Halo 2 tourney for a new xbox. They set us up on flat screen projectors and ours was very dark and had distorting waves on the screen. Which didn't help at all... Sucky...

Doing a lot of school work lately. What's left of my free time is talking to cool people over aim and spending some time on WoW. So I'm looking at level 57 on my hunter right now. I'm a hot dwarven hunter. I got my bear and  a boom-stick and hours of fun (lol).

It turns out that even more people I know have a birthday this upcoming week. This guy Dan, Wei, my roommate Steve and myself have birthdays all within four days of each other. Weird

Just to add to some of my theories... Girls are confusing as all hell... Hey, whatever, things work out in the long run. That, they always do. Just do your own thing and let it happen.

January-18-05

-10:58pm-     Ok, Ok... I feel a little silly now. I put up such a stink about school, lost sleep, etc etc. And look, I'm here again =/. Oh well, thirteen weeks and I'm out again. Right now I'm taking Chem Lab, Math, and two GUR Social Sciences. We'll see what I freak out over within the next following weeks... Until then...

Things to be happy for.

Winter Break was nuts! : The usual at Greg's house (with some twists). Spent plenty of quality hours with the crew (best new years yet... the most amount of movies I watched in one month). Got my WoW time in (level 54 and going).

Groundhog's Day is only two weeks from now! : Forget the rodent and think about me (it's my birthday). I don't hide from my shadow. That reminds me that February is the best month for birthdays. Among the numerous amounts of famous people celebrating at that time are my cousin Laura, my lil bro Steve, Kat, Rob Jahn, and so on.

And uh... Spring Break? : This one's a little far away (being as its in late March).

Soo... All you sick people get better.

<3 Sly

January-06-05

-01:08am-     Alright... So far I've been looking into taking the semester off to look for another school with and I've been questioning my major. Here's another option I've had. I can rearrange my classes at NJIT so that I can commute. From there I could continue looking into other schools and majors. At the same time I'll collect a few more credits towards a few core requirements. We'll see... Everything's coming together slowly.

As for the park opening a week early... I just have one thing to say... "You know how cold it's going to be!" I mean, last year the employee recruiting party took place just before opening and there was snow on the ground the night before. None the less, I can't wait.

January-03-05

-01:08am-     So I was pretty distraught over the whole school thing yesterday, and things really haven't changed too much. I went to ask my mom for a few opinions hoping that as I talked about it that things would appear more clearly... Well I was wrong and we had the biggest argument in our history. To keep things short I'll just say that I've never been told to ever leave the house before =(.

Just before I went to bed she comes into my room to tell me that she expects a list of schools that I have scheduled appointments to visit by 11:00am. Arg!

Ok... Give me a few days and maybe I can complete that task... I mean now I do have it set in my mind that I will be changing majors and schools. Don't I have to find a major and try to piece together a path before I find the schools?!

The very second I believe that I have solved one question with this stuff, two more pop up. I have a never ending list of things I need to figure out and get done for school.

Oh and to top off everything else, my mom just brought up the fact that I wont  have health insurance out of school. I was like, "Alright, don't think that I wasn't planning on getting a job or anything". She goes off saying that she will not accept anything short of an $11.00-$12.00 per hour job. Now whether that's what I'll wind up with or not... What kind of bullshit is that to say to me?! If I work, I will work my ass off for any hourly rate I'm given. I will work a job that I want to and DO NOT in any way have to choose something of my mother's approval.

I'm not having an easy time here, and do I wish anyone else to have to be in my shoes right now. I just see this being the typical crap that will take place for almost this entire month.

One more day, one more problem thrown up on the list. Fucking A, I can't think about it now because I'll just get more frustrated.

January-02-05

-06:14am-     I'm really not on to post about new year's right now. Sorry... It was an awesome night. BIG thanks to Sunny =). Just one crazy night and I hope that everyone else had a great time. Lol, and somehow it was the best sleep I've had all week.

It's no lie.. I have not slept well recently and it has not been fun. Every few hours I find myself laying there wide awake, not feeling tired at all. Obviously from the time of this post, this is one of those nights as well. Maybe I'm not in the right state to be writing this. God I am so lost here... I'm going to be half rambling this...

I'm at a HUGE loss here... I need to to figure out what's going on with school... I've got a lot of different scenarios thought of... But I don't know what to do with them once I've started. And another thought that's been crossing my mind has been what if I'm freaking out over nothing and should go back to NJIT and continue my major.

This is the entire and honest truth about what's been going on. I do not strive for A's. I must consider them like a bonus that not everyone can obtain. So I shoot for B's and wind up with a mix of B's and C's. I get an essay or a report to do, so I pump it out as soon and as quick as I can under the guidelines that I was assigned. Homework gets done, but that doesn't mean that I did it right or always understand it.

If I follow the path of changing schools. I can either look for one of similar majors, find one with a different major (which then the major is unknown), or go the way of the specialization school (and then I may just get stuck on a one way street).

In the back of my head I think that I can see myself still attending NJIT for Mechanical Engineering. But I seriously have to change things. Now, I've been there for a year now... I know my habits and I know how I am better than any other person. Can I make the changes I need as to not mess anything up?

Example: I took what should have been my last chemistry class last semester and I dropped it mid semester. I was depressed and I let certain issues in my life get the best of me where I would sit in the lecture class and zone out. I would start taking notes not for the class, but for myself dealing with those people. It wasn't till after the issues past that I had realized what damage I made. If I hadn't had that happen I don't even see myself sitting here making up my mind about schools. I would have gotten a B or a C in that class.

There's no quest log of life to complete. There's no prima guidebook to any of this stuf. No one has any of these answers for me and it has been accepted. But the fact the I could sit and contemplate this for hours on end and come up with no solid ideas scare the living shit out of me.

It's one thing to sit around and think about this stuff. But writing it out like this and reading it back to myself is a completely different thing. I'll have to think about all of this. I have until the 18th which is move in day at school... But first I'm going back to bed =).

December-24-04

-05:24am-     One day and it's Christmas... Not bad... Not bad... I'll wake up, head over to my Aunt's house for the family thing and then leave from there to go to my father's house. I know basically everything I'll get... Specially when I'm the one helping with the shopping. There always seems to be a surprise or two some how. But oh man, I'm just picturing the thing's I'll do when I get my hands on the camera I'm getting. I mean... Think of the possibilities for the site alone =).

Anyways, right now I'm looking into leaving NJIT and changing my major. Took a year to realize that what I was doing wasn't what I wanted. Oh well, such is life. This spring semester I don't know what I'm doing right now. I can go through one lest semester, but I cringe a little at the thought. Things are already late for making a transfer at this point. So I might have the spring off as I change schools and get that all set for next fall. I'll just have to get a job to pass the time... Which would be pretty nice. Well, one step at a time. I'll have this worked out.

I really just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas tomorrow. I'll probably hear from people during the week. I still have no clue what's going on for New Years yet.

<3 Sly

December-14-04

-09:18pm-     I don't know... Nothing really else is coming to my mind except I don't know. I must be caught up on some of the crap I just talked about. I'm so tired of feeling like this and wish I had some sort of alternative to it. OMG this is pissing me off. Now I'm getting angry that I'm feeling out of it... WTF?! No matter which direction I look I can't find a way out. At leas none I can provide to myself.

Am I a miserable person? Am I depressed? Is this all my fault? Am I doing this to myself?

I hope not, I don't want to be. There's just that feeling of something missing, some sort of void that I can't fill.

A Slow Decay: Making things worse than it already is. People I used to be great friends with are gone and they seem to be getting on pretty well with out me. I'm just so tired of this. I've messaged them a few times each and had very little replies. So, uh... I finally gave up on them. Deleted from my buddy lists and the links to their blogs and sites removed.

The only problem is, that doesn't leave me with much left. Hey it's great I have a few really close friends left. But all we do is play video games! I want more and I can't get that. But I have more friends and more connections in a virtual life than I will ever have in this one. So there's always something for me to do online even when I don't want to. FFS... What a way to go...

-01:52am-     I spent the last two weeks playing a lot of World of WarCraft. I didn't leave much time for anything else aside from school work. I play with a bunch of great people aside from my real life friends. There's about three to four girls in our group. Playing with them brings up plenty of questions on my head. Like if I'll wind up with a gamer girl or not. Or if that's a safe thing or not. I mean, sure we'd have our common interests and have a whole new level to interact on that others don't have. But then would we do anything else every now and then? Would we actually leave the house? Would that lead us to an irresponsible life? Or would I, as they say "opposites attract", wind up with someone that tolerates games to an extent and wind up living a mixed life where there's my play time, and then our time?

*Sigh. There's at least sixty years of my life ahead that's completely covered by shadow that begins tomorrow and goes to the end. It's only reveled slowly and only by the current minute. Rarely is any of it previously shown and expected. What I'd really like to know more than anything is just what I'm doing in the present the right thing. Am I on the right path? Am I slipping up somewhere?

There's plenty of times that we have something bothering us and draws our attention away from our regular activities (I hope I'm not the only one). It's not even depression most of the time, we just get stuck in a very contemplative mode. Trying to come up with answers to things we know we can't figure out on our own. Sometimes you're bothered by things that you can't quite put your fingers on. It's like you're asked what's bugging you and you reply I don't know when at heart you know but can't put it to the right words to tell others.

Oh well. So hey, I've got till Thursday and then I'm done with finals and classes this semester. What the hell am I going to do for a month and a half?! I could just play WoW the entire time... But do not under any circumstance believe that this is my first choice of things to do. It's just the most readily available thing to do at the time.

December-01-04

-08:24pm-     I want it to SNOW!!! Overrated or not, I love it. I can't wait to go sleigh riding the first chance I get. Christmas is coming up in 24 days and shortly after will be New Years. Christmas morning will be at my house, sometime in the afternoon we'll be at my aunt's house, and spend that night and the following day at my father's house. Now for New Year's? I have no clue. That is always up in the air. I could be here or I could be there (I'd say anywhere but that would rhyme way to much at this point).

In the weeks to come... I have what's left of classes this week. Next week will consist of three more class days followed by the two "reading days" (quiet time on campus) and then the semester will be over. 13'th-15'th will I'll take my finals and then be home. I'm not sure of what I'll be doing once I'm home. Last year was a little lame. Just video games every night and then waking up the next day at 5pm just to do it again. I'd love to go somewhere, take a small trip, hang out a little more, go screw around in the snow, or whatever. But that's two week's from now, so we'll let that slide till then.

A few random notes: World of WarCraft is still going on strong. *I made level 27 not to long ago and hope to be 28 by the end of the night. *Art's Birthday was today (Happy Birthday). *On the radio I heard "Dead Man's Party" like 20min ago (It reminded me that I wanted to update today). *Two really good songs are now in mainstream Greenday - "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", and Papa Roach - "Scars"

I'm the kind of person that loves to deal with problems by listening to music. I love songs that appeal to different aspects of my life and all of the emotions. Some songs just are too "pop'sh" where they just have some catchy beat w/ words that are there just b/c they sound good. I don't want to hear some rapper talk about his money or whatever crap he/she owns. Nor do I want some head banger screaming his/her head off just because they can. I like hearing things that are at times slightly mellow, a little aggressive, and sometimes soft. The beat and tone should match the message being sent. I like when I can get into the music and all of a sudden the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. At that point I'm hooked, I can relate. There will either be really ecstatically happy or I'll have a slight tear forming. I'm usually inspired creatively, like when I'm designing my site.

--- I'm happy, or at least I try to be. <3

November-27-04 (Gotta Love Random Mood Swings)

-04:40pm-     Son of a... I've been outside most of the day doing some landscaping and cleaning up the yard. I haven't even touched the boxes in the attic yet. OMG this day is really starting to get to me. For some reason the topic of girls keep coming up with people I talk to. At this point I could write for hours on that subject. It's gotten to be such a touchy one for me.

To this point there's been no positive reinforcement to it. At times it seems like everyone's in my place, and at other times it doesn't. Friends never seem to say anything enlightening. Just the same "one day" (no shit! lol). There's no girls in my life (well, none that count towards this). So there aren't going to be any chances for a very long time. Sometimes I wish that I never was with Kelly just so that I wouldn't miss having a GF that lasted that long. There's a lot that I miss, not her, just being with someone that seriously. I wouldn't even mind dating random people here and there (or so I think). Or at least having a chance once or twice a year. I'm starting to be able to count the years since I've been with someone and it sucks.

Sudden thought (just as everything is here, it comes out as I type without thinking about it). It's good that I have gone through what I have. I enjoy the simple things. I learned to express myself better. I would have never had started this site last April. My current friends status may not have been as good as it is now. It's a hard trade off. I've gained from what I have lost (ooh self therapy). You know what? In this little time I started to feel a lot better. hehe. That's my other problem, who's going to want to put up with a lunatic such as I? =P =)

-01:42pm-     Thanksgiving went a lot better than I had expected. I was miserable for the entire car ride up. We had to drive up this old woman with us so I sat in the back. All of a sudden I realized that her hearing aid was giving off a high pitched sound. It was giving me a migraine back there. I wasn't going to say anything to embarrass her, but I wanted to yank that thing out and throw it out of the window.

Getting past the car ride, I probably liked it more than my aunt's house. I'm used to it being more proper over there. The conversations are always about her teaching, what's going on at the school, what's going on w/ Laura in DC, school, town, and state politics, which elderly relative did what, and "who noticed her new angel decoration?". At our friends house, all of the conversations were more inviting. Most of the time we were looking for any way to rag on each other.

Today, at one point I have to drive my lazy brother around so that he can look for a job. I still have to place up Christmas lights on the house. I usually do the lights when it gets dark out so that I can really get a feel for what I am doing .I can't wait to do it though! I love lights! hehe. Specially when the tree is up and lit. I love lounging on the couch with the tree in the room. I could do that for hours. Even better was when I had Kelly (my ex) there w/ me =(... .

Girls are just starting to piss me off... How many more years is it going to take to find another GF? God damn... Oops, I kind of stumbled onto this topic by accident, so I'll stop.

November-24-04

-11:42pm-     Just woke up. I spent the last two days playing World of WarCraft since the servers went live Tuesday morning. I started the level grind the second I got on. We already have our guild set up of 20 or so people. My real life's Art, Greg, Ian, Ant, plus their roommates and friends, with a few old EverQuest friends. I'll be playing that for the next few months I suppose. (Doesn't mean I wont leave the house & hang w/ friends, you just have to invite me over.)

Thanksgiving for me will be different this year. I'm used to the regular ordeal of heading up to my aunt's house and eating there w/ relatives. A day or two ago my cousin got into a serious fight and got his face messed up (literally). All I really know is that a bone or two got crushed and a nerve ending got pinched. It's estimated that it will take a year for complete feeling to come back. To make thing easier on my aunt, we aren't heading up that way. I thought that just my immediate family would just have a small dinner but my mom still had to do something. So we're going to a family friend's house... I'm really not too big on the idea... I'd rather not do the traveling just for that.

In the aftermath, I'm sure that everyone will be sick of relatives and family friends. So call me, let's do something!!! We'll hang out, see a movie, go bowling, whatever... No one likes to be bored, so do something about it (and I'm a very accessible way of wasting time) (in a way that didn't sound good). I may use my free time up with video games, but don't think that I wouldn't turn that off in a heartbeat to do something in the real life.

November-21-04

-01:07pm-     You know what? Start reading this by forgetting all of that crap I complained about in previous day before someone thinks there's something wrong with me =P.

The SFGA crew spent Saturday eating lunch and talked for a few hours. Good job Kat for getting us lost =P... A little later we spent our time hanging out, having one hell of an evening. Word of advice for the guys, "girls get very desperate when trying to avoid the rain." I appreciate all of the stupid faces, crazy comments, and the lump on the back of my head. Aside from that, I'm really not going to go into any details. For once I'm deciding to keep certain things and the privacy of others to myself. Although anyone interested in my story or what else happened will have to just come to me and beg. Yup... Beg.

Best Answers:

Words that best describe Sunny: Tired&Angry

Must Brian get all of the War and Tech answers: Of course [ Dude... What's up with that? =( ]

How would Julie like to die: In her sleep&By ex-lover

Jason would have what on his hands: A puppet

How many bad questions will involve Vanessa: All of them

November-19-04

-01:07pm-     I've questioned it everyday whether or not I'm where I am supposed to be. College... The best years of your life... To me has felt as though I've been running around in circles chasing my tail. Taking math and chemistry classes that I can barely handle. Physics is fun and I understand it. The math and chem are required to go along with it, so until I bring math and chem up, I can't take anymore physics classes.

Since high school I never knew where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. I just knew what I was good at. I thought that I'd wind up in some career dealing with technology, but that's as far as I could guess. I look into the future and I really don't see anything, just one giant empty void. I don't have a path, any goals, or any clues giving me the faintest idea of what's to come. I don't even have any ways of knowing if what I am doing now is right for me.

I just go on from one thing to another trying to get from one day to the next. Sure people can say, "What's wrong with that," or "That's how life is supposed to be." Sure there's something wrong with that! I go to advisors and all they tell me is to keep trying and to keep going from class to class. Not once has my heart ever felt any sort of calming or reinsurance.

I'm only happy when I'm with friends. I'm only happy when I'm at work. And I just don't mean SFGA. I love to work, any kind of job... I'll do it well and I'll work hard.

If there's one thing in life that I want... My only true goals are to be happy and to be loved... To one day have a family of my own to raise...

But how will that come about if I have no idea where my life is headed and which path  I take is going to support that life. =(

Where? Where do I expect to get the answers? Where can I get the right nudge into the right direction? People say that only I know all of that... I laugh... Because if that is true, then I am screwed. Days just don't feel as though I should be around... Sucking up air, space, time, and money... All of the essentials for life... I feel as though I'm a waste at times.

I'm not a genius. I'm not a superhero. You whom know me, know who I am. The only real claim I have is that I'm Sly and I love life and all of the little things that have no true meaning in a professional world. But I is those little things that keep me happy when I feel so very lost.

November-18-04

-11:54pm-     Not much going on lately. Everyone seems to be in the downtime of getting ready and awaiting the holidays. First comes the Thanksgiving, followed by the December fests, but mostly the winter break. A month and a half of no classes... Sweet...

If no one makes any crazy plans over winter break (specially ones that don't involve me). I want to take a weekend to go skiing. There's a few places in New York and Pennsylvania that I have visited a few times. Head up, ski a day, stay overnight in a hotel, ski the next day, check out, and drive home. Ant, I know that I can get you really easily. Greg... We'll just drag you around anyways. How about SFGA crew? Maybe I could get my cousin. I could easily plan the trip, even if it were to just be a one day run. Then again I have a feeling that most people aren't going to be into it. But it is an idea on my part...

I've already started my xmas list. =)... So I had a little extra free time on my hands today...

* BFG Technologies GeForce 6800 GT OC 256MB GDDR3 AGP Graphics Card

* New Head Unit (Any will do, mine sucks)

* Metriod Prime 2: Echos (I'm a Nintendo boy)

November-14-04

-10:23am-     Arg... $556 spent on my car... Sometime last week I was getting a really loud rattling coming from the passenger side of my car. From what I could figure out, the noise was coming from the exhaust system. Turned out that the catalytic converter was shot. The entire inside of it's ceramic filters were cracked and shattered. On top of that the O2 sensor was shot...

What else... My mom's car broke down Friday night so I came back to push it for her. After that I get pulled over by a cop for the first time one block from my house at 3am with my mom in the passenger seat and my soaked brothers in the back. The "female" cop got me for running a stop sign. I admit that I had only yielded to it... But seriously that was bullshit. I always knew I'd be pulled over for something stupid. Thank god for that PBA card and having my family in there =/.

November-11-04 (Yeah Red Hot Chili Peppers!)

-02:08am-     Not as much of a pissed off rant as much as a mellow / confuzled one now... Class registration is this week... I'll once again be getting around to mine late thanks to money issues. It's bothers me sometimes to know that I take up $14,000 a year to go to school (Even though that's not nearly as much as it costs to go to other schools). I feel guilty for having that much money being spent on me. I mean... What if I change my mind on my major and school? What if I just cant cut it here and shouldn't have come here in the first place?

I guess that's how I am from growing up with living just off of my mother's income since sixth grade... Father throws a bone here and there, but it's only enough to pay a bill or two. I grew up half my life being the oldest "male figure" in my house. For years I took on all of the yard work, mechanic work, I decorated for Christmas, I did a little pluming and electrical work, I kept everyone's computers from breaking, babysat my bro's when my mom had to work extra shifts or wanted just one day to herself, I took care of the pool, and plenty of other things. If it weren't for money and a few good laughs, we did fine without a father around... Although I don't consider it fair that we always had to "just get by" in life.

So I learned to take care of everyone else. I just had a thought on whether or not that's why I take so much joy in being there for my friends and family. Truthfully I would rather look out for others over my very own in a heart beat (Whether my own health or wallet was at risk)... The almost "self sacrificing hero"... I don't think I deserve anything, nor do I really want anything in return except to be there. Just for reading this I you deserve me driving an hour to help you out with anything =).

I don't know how to phrase this right with out making it seem as though I'm suicidal, lol (Which I am absolutely not!!!). But I have felt as though there's no point of me being around some days (Not dead, but just not taking up space). What keeps me happy is friends, family, and work. What scares the living shit out of me is not knowing or having any goals for where my future is going. The only goals I have to keep are to one day be there for a family of my own and be the best friend I can over life... To be happy not with my economic status, but that from the company I keep (Now that thought makes me smile). Unfortunately money is a very much needed and necessary evil in this world (The root of all that kills).

From my mom's point of view, this is all worth it no matter what the cost... To provide me with an education... And I know that she's right... But then why at times do I feel as though I don't deserve it and that it should have better uses than on me? Am I worth all of the frustrations and pocket diggings? I even thought that I should stop so that it would be easier for my brother to go to school somewhere.

*sigh... I could sooo go for a nice camping chair... Warm fire burning... With a perfectly clear night sky... Ah, that sounds so much better than anything that is being offered here right now... I think I can go to sleep nicely with that thought in my mind...

---Love/Sincerely/Etc/Etc,

     Sly

November-06-04 (A Friday to Remember)

-08:02pm-     Dinner was awesome. Company was great. What more could be said / asked for?

Yeah, so Sunny defiantly kicked my head last night... I swear you guys would love real camping, even if you can't always bring an inflatable bed. You know that peaceful silence among friends? Well... Under the stars with a fire in front of you it comes. No matter who you are with, there's no need for words. I could stay for hours either just resting staring at the flames or leaning back staring at the stars. Just thinking about being out there gives me goose bumps (In a good, happy thought way).

Quoting Incubus--- They knew what they were talking about...

I was in boy scouts, big deal, I've probably learned more about the world than most do. Mainly the stuff people take for granted. Most people don't have the time to enjoy these things. Boating, camping, skiing... So many things that not a lot of people do anymore. I find peace in it... Kind of crazy talk, but it's like I can feel it calling me (lol). I've always wanted to share this part of my life with others. But realistically, it's proven to be hard to do.

November-02-04

-01:51am-     I decided to go to my classes today and head back home for Monday night/most of Tuesday to vote. So I was gone most of the day, keeping me from updating.

To begin, Friday night sucked. Well at least after work it did. I had lost my cell phone in the back of Jon's car, but I wasn't sure if that's where it was. Since a year ago I had left my cell on top of my Jeep, I thought that I could have been as stupid as last time to do it again. I spent 2 hours walking the road between SFGA employee gate and WaWa with a flashlight in a light rain storm. I came into work as early as possible to make sure that Jon had the cell. I got lucky that time.

Saturday was a long day with the little sleep that I had. I was wondering since Friday night when Vanessa would show up. Eventually she came out of hiding =).

Sunday... The last day... *Sniffle... Pulled a double to get in as much time with everyone as possible. Joanne treated all of us with a very nice lunch and dinner of KFC. Keri attempted to scare people with a cartoon looking mouse (I think that I managed to do some good with it). A small fight broke out by Nitro, *cough 999, which was shortly taken care of. After that we met up to take in the last showing of Dead Man's Party before it was all over. Only an hour after the fight did Jackson Police order the park closed immediately. Jason and I couldn't help but start at the riot police standing out there with helmets, shields, padded vests, and possible tear gas nades on their belts. In the background you could hear the K9 patrols with several helicopters hovering around the park. What a way to end the night there... Oh, and don't tell Sunny that the Show Cart finally beat out the Carousel Cart once she left =P. Once that was all over, goodbye's were said and Jason, Brian, Jon, Keri, and myself went to the after party at The OutPost. Not much went on there, but it was nice just to chill out with friends. I think it was Jason's first time in that kind if environment =).

Just wait until it really sets in. In the weekends to follow you'll still have Dead Man's Party in your head and suddenly realize your still at home. There won't be someone to laugh at for randomly tripping (Jason, Sunny, Myself). There will be a lack of threats from Keri directed at me. No one will hear for months that Julie has to pee =). Sunday mornings won't start with a bright greeting from Joanne and an everything bagel from Keri.

With that said, there's nothing left except awaiting next season. Another chance to do it all again with a new mix. Who knows what crazy things will happen and who we'll meet next. Who's going to be the new supervisors? Maybe we'll have the new area. Maybe Keri will actually smash me.

As for our little group, there won't be any missing anyone if we keep up and hang out here and there.

<3 SFGA Merch 330 - 2004

<3 Allyson, Joanne, Julie, Jason, Vanessa, Sunny, & Keri

October-25-04 (I'm Full of Surprises)

-04:46am-     Back at school, sleep deprivation setting in, laughs and giggles, long weekend of work, and mission complete... A 10 hour nap would do me just fine =P.

I got my hands on all of the songs from Dead Man's Party in their non-SFGA states. "Dead Man's Party" and "No One Lives Forever" sound like they are from the 80's (Which they are... I just couldn't find any better qualities). Watched it today to make sure I had the order down right. It took a while to get everything done, and it didn't help that I passed out for a while after work. It all got done around 11:15pm. I can host the songs for your own downloads if needs. So if anyone wants a copy let me know. I already have one, hopefully satisfied, customer... Had to pull out the 1st class / over night delivery for that one...

The park finally got it's big night, pulling in 49k'sh guests. I spent a good amount of my time running back and forth between my allotted store, cart, and shed. Glad We had everyone on that night with people doing doubles. My silent victory... I know I wasn't really apart of the little competition, but I couldn't let my cart fall behind. The secret is getting your hands on as many glasses as you can before anyone else notices / stock's their carts (IE: 2 cases worth and then some) =).

Long night indeed... If only all South-Africans were allergic to Advil... Oh... Oh... I can already see the potential danger of such problems around me. These people have been ridiculous for months now. Conveniently turning sick when bad work comes their ways, "Can I go home early." What is this? Frickin High School? Junior High? How can people that went through s much effort to come all the way over here, whom are older than me, seem like a bunch of spoiled brats and little babies? Anyone that has no idea what I'm talking about would never expect it. We have a sneaky lil bitch, one would disappear on you to stuff food down her shirt for later use, one's higher than a kite like 24/7, and why was I the only one not to get a gift from Nico? (Not that it matters... But that was dick). One weekend left, go home, get the hell out of here... Hope the plane crashes or at least an annoying little child sits behind them for the long flight.

I plan on working Friday night this week for the finally. Oh, and I realized I owe someone for my dinner Saturday night. Let me either buy your next meal, or let me bring the "Goods" for Sunday morning. Keri's been buying every weekend and I feel bad. We are all only working like 2-3 days and just $10 can be a slight hit to the check.

Random Antics: With a pile of glow Keri will never be found in the back of the Hurst - Don't eat the beef stew and try to dance to "Ballroom Blitz" (Sunny) - A reversed chameleon slightly resembles a penis - The goop inside of the chameleon provides hours of entertainment (just don't get it on your clothes) - Going home early on busy nights is a bad idea and a good way to gain enemies in Merch - What the hell was on that flower?! - New Glow Coming Soon: "Light Up Scoliosis Necklace" - Arnold used up every topping for the apples and every nut... Good job... We got three nut apples - News Flash: Dancer break's Keri's heart - Hairy butts are bad - 2nd News Flash: Jean Doesn't Care Anymore - Several "Smashes" are coming my way - I managed not to trip over anything the entire weekend! Alright I think that were all of the highlights.

For me it was really easy... *Note that no stalking took place. Took me no more than 15min to figure it out including the time I sat at home to think about it and I know the area well. You turn off onto the same road making it easy to gain access to only 3-4 streets. Anywhere else would have been out of the way. Alternatively that road would have had placed you out of the way if you were living anywhere else. The road before would have been a good choice if the development by the school was your local. The same goes for the roads that follow. Anyways... Enjoy it.

October-22-04

-03:42am-     I decided to drop my chem. course, due to the fact that I messed up the first of three exams and would not like to pass with a "D" grade. I'll take it again next semester. Which is actually a good move on my part since seven people on my floor including my SFGA minion will be taking that class. I'll have people to study with and a better idea of what to expect.

The controversial issues here at NJIT this week: Sex and Pornography. In recent weeks, a video of our freshman soccer captain was found and shared across the network faster than the W32.Sasser.Worm (virus). Which is cool I guess... But no more than 3 hours ago she was in the next room stripping and giving lap dances... What kind of image are you trying to give yourself... Damn... So supposedly the video was made while she was in high school since the freaks here actually searched all over campus for the room that matched the one in the video and came up with nothing. With her birthday being in late august it was presumed child pornography and the school has taken actions against anyone found with this material. I told you this school is fucked up...

So this is probably where I'd go on about girls in general for a little bit, but I'm taking a short break from all of that crap for a while. While I pick the next target of my obsession, let me talk about my upcoming dilemma: Funds for NJIT. (You know what... I'm beginning to notice that NJIT is the heart of many of my problems... Great...) Anyways, good old dad promised yet again that he'd come up with a portion of my tuition. Without harassing him this time, I don't see any money coming anytime soon. The spring semester registration starts just after thanksgiving. So what I have just a month to come up with what I owe? This is how I got screwed last semester, I'm not going to have this happen again. Why he's so horrible with money I will never know. He'd rather buy us games and junk instead of supporting my brothers and I as he should be. It's always been "I need money so I can go to camp," so he gives us a new computer instead. Oh... What used to really set me off was the fact that Greg's father and a few of the others were there for me more than my own dad.

I openly and freely hand my mother money from my own paychecks. This summer the pool filter broke down, I gave her my entire check to buy another one. I don't spend my money on things I want. I hold onto it to pay off what needs to get taken care of. I worked all summer and after expenses such as paying off my father's portion of my tuition I'm left with a few hundred (which has to last the winter). If I don't call my father I probably won't hear from him until Christmas. At this point he probably will intend on spending 2k-3k on the three of us. I don't need that. I'd be plenty happy with one game and giving the rest of my allotted expense to my school or to my mother and brothers. I've never really told him what I think out of fear he'll cut off completely of what we're already getting. None the less, we get by... We've been lucky that way. Still being able to live in a good home in Howell, having been allowed the chance to meet so many great people there, being able to go to college. Thing are going to really suck in a year from now when my younger brother has to go for college... And two years after him the next brother...

I get it a lot from other people that I'm already a better man than my father is now. My little job with Six Flags has been more dependable (not for money, but for having an actual money every friday). I may get my sneakiness and slyness from him, but that's all I want. I don't want to live like him, never knowing when exactly he's getting paid next, stuck with an infant just after all of your children are about done growing up (oh yeah, I have a half sister "Jamie" that I keep forgetting I have... I feel sorry for her), having a girlfriend that you can't marry because your debts are so high that it would be a wrong move to attach them to her (Yeah she cheated on her husband for my dad and my dad cheated on my mom for her). It's such a mess to look at in great detail... Your head will start spinning when you look at the rest of his side of the family.

Sorry guys, I started on the "Faja" topic and got a little caught up... Let me stop not before I keep going... Good Night =)

October-19-04

-07:07pm-     So really quick, not too much went on this weekend. No turtles were harmed over the night. Jason worked Saturday night with us making us an ultimate power to be reckoned with... That was until I realized that the Greater Daemon of Merchandise (Jean) was working that night. Yes, a term coined by our very own Greg Washburne during his own trials he had to face while working under her. Saturday and Sunday were really busy days, so not much went on to really talk about.

Hehe, don't mind any of that stuff below it's cool... That's all been taken care of. =).

<3 -09:37am-     What's going on? I have no idea. I'm so lost right now. Look, all I know is that I have been asking people for their opinions lately and the only kind of replies that I have received as of late are near riddles. That's if I'm lucky enough to get an answer before the subject changes. The problem isn't the ever growing number of people who read this. There's only one person that I'm worried about. I know everyone knows who that is now, or at least you should have figured it out. I'm talking about a certain someone that has grabbed my attention and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to forget about it. I've tried to hide it, but its too late for that now. It's out in the open... Kind of... To the point where everyone knows it. Why hasn't anyone said anything? Nothing positive or negative has been spoken to me. Are people waiting for me to do something in person? Are they just waiting to say, "That's what I thought," only after it's over? I see nothing good coming from doing anything so I haven't. Unfortunately that turns this into a loop because I'll try not to think about it and then I comes back in a day or two and haven't gotten anywhere.

To this date, only "brian brian brian" and "brian i have found out that u cant hold this crap back anymore" have been the only bit of feedback as of now. So what do I do with that? I really don't know what you meant by all of the "Ms Pink Text". Nor do I understand why you wanted this a rant sooo bad. What did you expect from me? Maybe if you had explained your messages a little bit to me this wouldn't have had taken so long. So that brings me to 3:30am on a Tuesday morning when I sat down at 11:00pm on Monday night. Sitting here debating what to do next, what else to say, and where am I going with this. The later I stay up, the easier stuff will come out. I wonder how much from here on I'll say and how much of it will I regret? Let's find out.

I can only imagine what kinds of conversations I have been the topic of in recent days. I really don't mind, I'm just really curious. Especially when Kat (hey) was brought here before I was going to invite her. Do they laugh and joke? Do they smile in agreement? Or do they shake their heads in disagreement? Why has no one ever talked to me about it?

Look it's 6:35am now, I've managed to delay and run about in circles for most of the night. Here it is plain and simple. I managed to find myself attracted to Sunny (there you go I said the name out in the open). One of the first times I noticed this was when I had been in the back of Justice after she had handed me a bag of items. I had pulled out a shot glass from the bag as I looked up to see her fixing herself in front of the mirror. Can't remember how long I was staring, but as I realized what I was doing I dropped the glass letting it shatter on the floor. I was a little embarrassed, but I laughed because I knew why it was dropped. Some people could ask me why, and my answer will always be "I have no idea, that's just chemistry and who I am." That's why it's been hard as hell to ignore it as I have. No, I never had any opportunities to say anything and I'm making sure that it doesn't affect the work place. I'm just doing what I think is right... It's not what I want.

You want to know what's been going on in my head? Well for starter's there's the obvious, "Is there any hope for me?" Um... And then there is, "What exactly does kind of single mean?" Hm... Can't forget, "What is she thinking?" Mixed in with, "Should I say/do anything now? Finally we have, "I'm so screwed, put me out of my misery."

Now that this is all out... I sit here thinking what good will any of this do. Or what quite possibly what kind of damage. I wonder how long before anyone says anything to me and if it's even relevant to anything I just said here. I'm not uncomfortable talking about it. At the moment I'm really just so frustrated and confused. Just to clarify, I'm not crazy nor am I obsessed... I just want this over with... Good or bad... I want a little closure... I'm stuck at this point at which I have to say something before it can get any better. So come on, read up and let the shit hit the fan... I'm ready for it!

In other news... Silly string, turtles, and very cold nights do not mix =). So what have we learned? Well... I'm not afraid chase after and jump into a moving truck... Dead Man's Party is much louder than the radios... The girls are up to a "Master Scheme" (interesting).

HSS202 Mid-Term: Tuesday ; Math104 Common: Wednesday ; Chem126 Common: Friday. Oh man do I have to study this week =(.

October-18-04

-03:13am-     I'm worn out. I'm sorry, but I'm just really tired. I had started something, so don't expect it to be done here till Monday night / Tuesday morning. Someone I gave my screen name too needs to IM me. Someone else needs to be more patient with me =P. Night SFGA crew, friends, and other random people whom I've yet to put a face to.

October-14-04

-03:21am-     Just sitting here with music playing in the background. Roommates are watching adult swim (no that's not porn) and I'm hanging out. I know something you guys don't. "/evil laugh". HSS 202 and 211 Mid-Terms are coming up and both professors have yet to say anything about it yet. Looking over the material now until I pass out. Two more days for another weekend and two days of work. I'm Always looking forward to that... Speaking of which...

No Vanessa this weekend, but maybe we'll get her for the last one? Maybe? Please? As I've said before these past weekends have been nice. I can't expect it to be like this at all next summer and it never was this past one. I was placed with Marcus and Julie and many "Guy Shifts" soo much that I never got to see anyone else. Everyone else had been so buddy buddy with Jason and to tell you the truth I had been jealous that I never seemed to get that same kind of attention. But I'm not Jason. I'm who I am and maybe I screwed up somewhere or missed all of the right moments to stick my foot in the door. I'll be taken for who I am and I'm glad I dropped most of my shy bs. Right now I'm going to enjoy what I have left as much as possible. Just three more weekends left of the season, which is six shifts left with Keri and Sunny. Yeah the tire experience may not have had been so cool for those two, but I completely enjoyed being there for them. So many other times that wouldn't really mean too much did to me... I dunno, now I'm rambling again. This really has been the only place for me to say any of this. There never seems to be any appropriate moments to say it and on break it would be soo off topic from the current conversations. I could only imagine the weird looks. If only they knew how great a time it has been for me at least. Oh wait... I already have told them... I know you guys come here =P =). So what's up? "/grin" So what do you guys think?... Good Night Guys =)

October-12-04 (FYI Counter Is At 700 When I Posted This)

-03:34am-     I'm really just here because I'm bored. I'm trying to wear myself out so I can go sleep. I'm really low in the ideas department right now. I have a few little bs things I could do, but they really aren't worth the space. I could complain about girls, but I have nothing to say right now, unless anyone wants to start a conversation about them with me. I think the best way to sum up how I feel right now is at peace.

So yeah, I think I've done everything I could have planned on doing. Everything now is all left to be done on the fly. The Best thing for me to have done was to be myself. That applies to everything not even just her. Being too worried about what people did or didn't think just isn't worth it. Whether you've seen it yet or not  my actions tend to be silly (usually corny) and done with little thought. I try to be witty and funny (note that isn't always accomplished) I'm an open book when it comes to feelings and emotions. I'm a horrible liar but I still try (depends on how gullible you are). Going back to what I started to say, I'm just happy that things are the way they are now. It took having this dilemma in my life to give a little push in the right direction.

It doesn't matter if nothing ever happens with her, but if something does that would be awesome. I have everything to gain and I'm already taking in the rewards. I have a slightly larger friends list and a stronger level of confidence. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have felt this good as soon as I have. So yeah... I have her to kind of thank for doing almost nothing. So here you go, "Thanks _ _ _ _ _ for nothing." =P =). (Yes you can fit the name on the blanks)

Well, I think that's all for now. I'm also at the point where I will answer any question truthfully if anyone were to ask of me... Leave Me Something... Night Guys.

October-11-04

-02:58am-     Omg! Who keeps coming here? Not that it bothers me, it's just surprising to find so much interest in me. Gotta love nights during Fright Fest. You've got your glow, the ghouls, and the shows. Speaking of shows, no matter how many times I pass the Big Wheel, the "Dead Man's Party" never gets old. Hehe, I always know where to find Sunny =). Um... Not much else happened to talk about. I just really enjoyed the weekend... I mean I really enjoyed it... Meh, you'll have to ask me about it to really find out what I'm thinking...

October-07-04

-04:55am-     Not much going on last few days, thankfully. Just chilling out and getting some work done. So... What happened to the feedback I called for? I hate you all =P. Whatever... After getting that out of my system I feel pretty good. Your all so very lucky you guys run off of college proxies or I'd so be tracking ip's. Yeah, think about it... There's a number attached to everyone of your computers. Once I figured out which one was yours I could track your movement in and out... I still wish I knew who came here aside from the obvious ones. In the last few days I had near 70 hits. It's been a busy week and a lot of things have been said with a lot of people listening.

October-05-04

-03:08am-     I'm headed to the park Friday night with friends, I think there will be four to six of us. I can take an earlier chem class at 2:30 instead of my 4:00 class. So I should be able to make it home before traffic and into the park by 5:00. I missed Fright Fest last year, so I'm looking forward to it.

Of all people to IM me tonight Dan Arose sent me a tell. We talked for a little bit and I really didn't mind either. It's been a while since anyone from high school sent me a message. I usually leave those names hidden to save space... It sucks that people just stop talking because the have a new life so they say. When this semester started and all of them began leaving AIM, I had tried to get a hold of some of them. I didn't get any replies. I could swear that one of them had changed their away message to "leave me alone" =( after I had said hi. Over two weeks I gave everyone a chance, and after that I gave up. See, I don't even mind a short "Hi, I'm doing alright, I'll talk to you later," over AIM. IMO a phone call wouldn't be worth it, but within two minutes over AIM you've established that the person is still on good terms and is still breathing.

Let me quickly break down my buddy list. I have six flags: Not too much goes on there, but there are a few short conversations. Then my good friends: I can get at least one good conversation a day; we all talk when we're planning something for a weekend or video game. NJIT: Just people from school; not much there either, anyone I do talk to I see on my floor. High School: *hears crickets. Finally we have my gamer friends: Just a few really awesome guys that I had the pleasure of playing several years of online games with; Occasionally we talk about what's going on with games and our lives. So in a 24 hour day, I'll have 1-3 messages for me unless I start them.

I've probably mentioned this before, but I could have every material object I had ever wanted at my disposal. But without anyone to share it with would be pointless to me. I'd rather be stuck in some old room with rundown furniture and an old tv or radio surrounded by my friends.

 <3 -03:48am-     I've always had a feeling like I'm getting so worked up over nothing. I've have for several times forgotten about / tried to push feelings aside. It's not as though I choose to feel the way I do, it's apart of me. This is like any other feeling held up inside. No matter what you do, it will wind up biting you in the ass. Either you can keep it inside and it, over time, eats at you. Or you can say what you have to say, even if it is a rejection, to have yourself finally relieved. Now I've gone through this before. I can't say that any of the others have taken this long, but it's been done before. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain... So... Why is this always so difficult?... And someone bloody give me some feedback here!

Oh and there's something I stumbled upon a month ago, and no I was not looking or it... The information nearly fell into my lap... "Whimit" That's all I'm going to say. I was just wondering if that rings a bell to anyone.

October-04-04

-03:52am-     I really am something aren't I... Do me a favor and use the "Forum" so you all can yell at me for all of my stupid shit. I figured out how to reprogram that dancing kid to play the music that I want to put up which gives you the chance to turn it on or off on your own. The names of the songs are placed on the play buttons. So what am I doing about the post below? No clue, but some sleep sounds like a place to start... Night.

October-03-04

 <3 -07:02pm-     FUCK UP... That's what I am. GAH!!!... Alright, this entire weekend I had random chances to say something... But I didn't... Which is a good weekend compared to others, as far as I had the chance... I guess?... But the breaking point of this entire weekend had only taken place an hour ago. At this point I had 5-10 minutes headed to the parking lot to say anything I could have dared to think, when we were left alone. No matter how bad it could have turned out, I'd have the entire week to let it blow over. Instead I rambled about some things that did, but didn't make sense. Ending with the same way it does every weekend, "see you next Saturday." So then I drove home thinking of how much I screwed that one up.

I really don't see what the problem is. How can something sounding so simple turn out to be a mind numbing experience? It's not at all as though I don't know how to act or what to say... The problem is actually doing it. It's the effect that takes hold of ones body that leaves you stunned and speechless. It's all a sick joke in my opinion. To think that one of the most powerful emotions that we all have within us can be so right and so wrong at the same time is just crazy. Her smile can make me feel better... At the same time her serious face could make me want to leave the room =P. So many of those silly things that you would hear girls saw *awww over work into this. Yeah, I notice how her hair always seems like it just was washed, little complaints I find amusing, crazy laughs and sometimes ear piercing noises... (Ok now I'm rambling... God, when I actually sit down to write these kinds of messages I can be just as bad as Kelly) (For things that don't make sense, see song on the left) I fear that I either won't say anything ever, or everything will be said at the very last moment. Either way I would be asking for trouble. Four weekends left to go, and that doesn't leave much time left with the way things have been going. I just want to be able to say in the best way possible that, "hey, for a good amount of the summer I've had a liking/crush on you," and go on from there.

I wish I knew what were thinking, always so on and off all of the time. I think I'm sometimes more interested in the mystery than anything else, being that I can't figure you out and it drives me nuts. I wish you were an easier person to read, being the only person in the area whom I can't have a full conversation with that doesn't stop after a sentence or two. What seems like a slight shyness mixed with the "walls" people have added to what I have has made this sooo difficult. I don't know what causes more problems, you or me. I somewhat wish you read this as my not so dressed up letter that explains almost everything going on.

See, the more I rant the more obvious who the person is... I might as well be using her name by now. And look at that, I just made one of my largest posts and I can't blabber a more than a few phrases in person. Something's gotta change and I think that's with me. Not even for this case, but in every other place I show such hesitation. I learned a lot from a guy named Brian Macfie, I just have to keep going on my own.

I'm headed back to school soon... I'm not done yet... This has set off something that is going to have a lasting effect this time.

September-29-04

-04:51am-     Can't seem to sleep tonight... Too much on my mind... Thinking about girls, old friends, school, etc, etc... These things get into our minds and can really do a number on a person. I just told a friend not too long ago that everything will be ok... We all need to be reassured this... I just wished someone would tell me that... It's so easy not to listen to yourself, but hearing it from someone else just makes sense. Maybe I'm just looking for answers in the wrong places... Who knows...

I just might be able to go on for a page or two... But there's not much that would accomplish.

 September-27-04

 <3 -06:11pm-     I know a certain frog in a blender that said it best... "no balls." I don't know what's going on with that anymore. I'm having my doubts about all of this and I'm not making this easy on myself either.

I have been enjoying working with Keri and Sunny every shift. It makes up for never seeing them all summer by having to work on opposite sides and shifts. It will be a good end to the season working with the both of them. I feel sorry for them though... I'm not sure how they really fell about me being there. I just wish I wasn't such a boring person and open up a little =(. Sat night they both had tire problems, so we headed over to the wawa to take a look at the cars. I put air in both of their tires and celebrated with an ice cream bar they bought inside =).

On another note... World of WarCraft has been frickin awesome. I'm going to have to put a page on that just because. Maybe some screen shots and some char info.

September-23-04

 <3 -09:56pm-     Woke up this morning to find my World of WarCraft invitation in my mailbox. The only problem is that the proxy server on my campus screws with the downloader/installer. So I'm going to have to wait until I lug my computer home tomorrow night to download the game. But before I get that far, I need to take a chem exam at 8:30am, go to classes: math, chem, chem:x2, and chem:lab.

I'm a little lost here, so bear with me... I wonder if anyone from work reads this... Obviously from reading, you know that I have found myself liking a girl from work. She doesn't talk much when no one else is around. Basically you can hear the crickets over us. I can't seem to get anything back from her as far as expressions. Girls can read a person better than guys can, so I wonder what she does/doesn't know. I want to get something this weekend... Hell, a "I'm not interested" works just as well. That way I can drop it right then and there. So, do you think I have the balls to finish this weekend?

September-14-04

-01:27am-     You know what, I'm this close to deleting all the junk below. Amazing how much can change in one weekend. I went back to work this weekend and I was pretty happy. Yeah, some things from below worked into it. At the same time, I realize that everything at once wasn't said in the best states of minds. I made a few mistakes, fell down a few times, and I'm getting back on my feet.

September-09-04

-01:42am-     There's not much left in me to say... The truth is... I'm a lonely individual looking in every direction for friends and a little love. I can't seem to be satisfied with what I have left. Does anyone else ever think like this? I have my moments and quickly move back into that lonely state. It will come out of nowhere, and you'll know when it hits because I will have just disappeared to work by myself. On my own time, my games can only help so much as a temporary distraction. At school, my roommates and the guys on the floor are cool, but at the end of the day nothing ever changes.

Next few weeks, I'll have my AIM on as much as possible (not like anyone IM's me). But I'm there for everyone as I have always been (as stupid as I am). Weekends I'll be going home on Friday nights, working Saturday day or night, and working Sunday days.

 There's nothing like a lost cause...

August-29-04

-09:36pm-     The move into campus is done so here I am back at school going on year two. I'll be up here every week and home on the weekends. When the weekends come around I'll still be at the park working. With everything to do here I can only hope that after enough work that I can forget about a few issues. Well, here's to another semester, goodnight.

August-21-04

-09:16pm-     Well... drowning self in music and video games it is... lol. It's a work in progress.

August-20-04

-06:02am-     It's the end of the week and as I have promised, tonight I'm either going to go home and drown myself in whatever random activities I can find. Or... I can go home and finally... For once all summer... Be able to sleep. Good for you... Another two weeks and I'll hopefully be too busy with school to complain about girls. The situation there is that I still have not been able to fully register for my classes since they are all closed. My options now are to wait till school starts and walk hours around campus talking to departments to get classes to open for me

On another note it's been seven days since my good old friend has been seen or heard from. He got his ass handed to him in a board game and stormed out. It was not from losing that he left as much as it was the fact that his favorite person in the world ruled against him in a conflicting issue found inside the rule book. How long will this last? Who knows... I can only imagine how miserable he is making himself over all of this... All I know is that he hasn't hung himself in the bathroom as of yet.

I feel bad for another friend of mine. He just got terminated from his place of work for flipping off some fat woman in human resources. He was sent home early until further notice (which was up until yesterday). From what I have heard the only person in all of his management that didn't want this to happen was his personal boss (whom argued for several hours over the issue). I guess I'll be seeing him more often at the Washburne residence. Wherever you work, whatever job you have... Take take this opportunity to spend an hour or so just for one day to piss off your closest HR representative... For me... For everyone that has suffered for having to deal with old, ignorant, fat women.

August-16-04

-12:16am-     Trying to make this update make sense so try to be a little patient when reading this one. Alright so here's what I've got. A friend of mine has been acting as though the world is against him all summer causing him to be a little annoying to say the least. So I managed to piss him off to the point where I was being called an asshole to my face whenever he addressed me. So after 5 days we finally got to a heated confrontation between the two of us which led to me slugging him in the face. Now the house was full of friends when this happened and it was reported that when I hit him that he let out a scream that could be heard from any part of the house including the basement. It's nothing I'm proud of, but so far the rest of my friends have said that he had it coming. Apparently I'm the unlucky one that finally went that far. Let's hope that the damaged is short term and people slowly begin to forget about it.

Next we go back to the topic that has bothered me all summer... "Attractions to the opposite sex and the problems that going to a technical school while working at six flags causes."

August-05-04

-01:39am-     Update Go!. I threw in some summer camp 04 pics under the usual section. So go ahead and look at them and laugh at us losers at camp... Those six pics basically sums up the whole week. I have old pictures from last year that I would love to put up... If only I would buy that damn cable for my cell phone camera or replace the one to my old digital camera.

 <3 -02:26am-     What do you do if you think you like certain girls, but you see a lot of complications for some odd reasons? At the same time the persons don't always seem to open up to you... Is it worth doing anything or just letting another month slip by so that the distraction of school can take over? And is it possible that you think you like people because they have grown on you/being alone for a year? *Sigh... I hate this stuff soo much...

July-27-04

-02:20am-     The revamp is finished and I'd have to say that I'm quite happy with how things turned out. It's a good end to a really weird day.

July-26-04

-04:41am-     So I have a thing about updating only in the late hours of the evening... But ask yourself just when else can one be alone to think thoughts through and listen to some music with nothing else to do? Well... Besides sleep that is... If I ever get pics from summer camp, they will be posted... Then again I've never had any pictures to post yet because I don't have a digital camera... And um... Never got that cable for my camera phone. Gonna do some random updates to keep myself busy.

-05:13am-     Changing around the theme by the way... I'm revamping entire site.

July-08-04

-03:26am-     So let me see if I can get things straight with everyone. The summer has been a change for me so far, and I'm adjusting ever so slowly to everything going on. I miss having a GF around and a year of college has been enough to pull away what was left of high school friends. But that happens and I see no exception as to why that shouldn't happen to me as well. So school isn't in session and that then leaves us with work at beautiful SFGA. Things have changed a lot that it seems since last year, as for the people at the park. I believe that I missed out on a lot b/c I kept to myself and GF. I didn't open up as far as I could have leaving an impression of me on the others that is hard to get out of. At the same time there are girls at work that I have been interested in for a long time but I just see some odd situations coming out of doing anything...

May-23-04

-12:33pm-     Random Links -=- Nightmare Armor -=- Going Turbo -=- Remixed -=- Model Airplanes -=- Random Links

-01:45pm-     Forum and Guest Book added tot he site, enjoy. Java is being a bitch right now and doesn't like my hover buttons that well. To make things easier, for now I will have the links on the main page just as images. Until I figure out what's going on that's how things are gonna be.

Oh and another thing... As much potential that summers bring for having fun, I don't see anything interesting really going on. I work and I have a few friends that will play War3 at night, but what I'm missing is going out / seeing other people and doing different things every so often. My friends at home would rather just play War3 and the guys at work never seemed to include in their plans. On top of that I spent the last two days tracking down my other friends from high school and talked to my ex-gf / friend and it doesn't look promising there with them either... What to do... What to do...