When they
reached London, General Foster and Lord
Derwentwater were taken to the
infamous Tower along with the
other English nobles. The rest
of the defeated army including
Dermot and Brigadier Calum Mac
an Tòisich were taken to the
horrid prison at Newgate under
the stewardship of its ill-
famed warden, Long John Langley.
Once there they were con-
fined in its worst dungeon, the
cavernous and notorious
Middle Dark.
Dermot
who was the Seventh Baron Sleevelooker, an
English title, was no little put
out by this treatment. He
was intent upon getting himself
admitted to the Tower and to
spending his last days where so
many great Gaels before him
had ended theirs. Nevertheless,
the brigadier convinced him
that this was no time to stand
on ceremony.
"Our Stuart
cause needs you, a mhic-ó. Better here as
plain Dermot Dunleavy, Popish Traitor,
than there as Barún
Shléibhe Luachra."
They sat
in blackness, their nostrils assailed by the
foul odor of human ordure. The
stone walls sweated cold slime
and the earthen floor was muddy
with urine.
"What's
the difference? We shall be tried and hanged.
Death has more honor there than
in this shit hole," replied
Dermot.
"True
it is s shit hole, but so is the Tower and there
are more doors here and more prisoners.
With a few guineas in
the right palm, it should not be
too difficult to give this
evil lair the slip, as dark as
it is."
"Do you
mean that we can buy our way out of here?"
"Of course,
my boy. Must we not buy our food here? Must
we not pay for the putrid straw
on which we sleep? All is for
sale in this Whiggish land. Imprisonment?
Freedom? It's a
mere matter of money in the right
hands. Everything is a
business with the Saxons," he laughed
scornfully. "Law.
Government. It's for sale
to the highest bidder. Féile and
flaithiúlacht are foreign
words, not in their vocabulary.
While the Gaels compete in giving
wealth away, these
miserable dogs grasp at it as if
it were the woman of the
white breasts. Like the cripple
who begrudges us our stride,
they want us hobbling like them,
And they use that Bible too
to get at us. That hellish book
from Dún Éideann and those
miserable travelling preachers,
thumping on it while they
preach Election and Predestination.
'By my cloak! Better you
learn what's right from the lays
of the Fianna, from Fionn
and Oscar and Oisín than
from those stone-hearted prophets!"
Having
digested the bigadier's short homily on Calvinism
and the Rise of the Commercial
Classes, Dermot asked excited-
ly, "How much would it cost then
to buy me freedom?"
"I don't
know exactly but fifty guineas in the right
palm should do the job."
"And where
will I get fifty guineas? Draw a cheque on
King James's credit?"
""It's
no so dark as it seems," said the brigadier.
"Speaking of darkness, with that
blackamoor of yours free to
wander the streets of the city,
there is no telling what
monetary marvels might occur!"
"What
can one half-starved black man do against a world
of Whigs?"
"Haven't
you heard of black magic, my son. The power of
our ancient druidism, by necessity,
pales in comparison."
But it
wasn't druidic wizardry that Toussaint had in
mind that very day but food and
shelter. Stumbling through
the streets, his stomach empty,
his head light from hunger,
he at first had assumed the sign
for Le Coq D'Or Inn was a
mirage, an hallucination brought
on by lack of sustenance.
But the tavern was real enough
and he went round the back to
see if he could find work, attracted
by the familiar language
and symbolism of the golden rooster.
Impressed by his command
of French, the innkeeper, a Huguenot
refugee by the name of
Jacques Cahors, fed him royally
with the freshest of foods
and the oldest of wines. Jacques
was, in fact, tired of his
present waiter, a Londoner, "qui
parle français comme une
vache espagnole." He immediately
hired Toussaint, whom he
christened le coq martiniquais,
in his place.
When Toussaint
first got the opportunity, a fortnight
later, he visited his liberator
in Newgate's Middle Dark,
bribing his way in by treating
the guards to some still warm
pommes frites from the Coq D'Or.
Jacques Cahors had invented
these square-cut fried pototoes
while a field cook with the
French Army. They were fast cooking
and tasty. Un mets
militaire de la grande vitesse
as he called them, When the
Edict of Nantes was revoked and
the Reformed Faith outlawed
in France, Jacques had perforce
to leave l'armée et la patrie
but took his recipe for fried potatoes
with him. Cahors con-
sidered pommes frites humble food,
fit for himself and his
staff but not for menu of his restaurant
where only haute
cuisine, "high kitchen," was offered.
Strange yet needless to
say these new-fangled potato snacks
were a grand hit with the
Newgate guards who up till that
time had survived on a diet
of porridge and fat dripping.
Once inside the
Middle Dark and supplied with a torch by
a satisfied guard, Toussaint was
joyfully reunited with his
liberator. But the joy soon dissipated
when Dermot informed
him that the price of freedom was
fifty guineas. The most
elementary mental arithmetic showed
that he would have to
work the better part of twenty
years to save that princely
sum from his wages as a waiter
at Le Coq D'Or. Work he would,
the black decided, though for that
man who had gotten him his
freedom.
"Mon ami," he said. "No matter how long it takes,
Toussaint Finale will be there!"
But a
kinder, gentler fate intervened in the piteous
case in the form of the warden's
missus, Lucy Langly. Lucy
was a robust woman with a taste
for good food and a head for
money. The lingering odor of pommes
frites attracted her to
the guardhouse later that evening.
Hearing of the black man,
she informed the guards to seize
him the next time he arrived
and bring him to her. That night,
still stimulated by the
fatty delicious fragrance, she
attacked her husband Long John
Langly and had her way with him.
Unsatisfied, she dreamt that
she was none other then the Queen
of Sheba and lay with the
entire Nubian army.
King James
finally arrived in Scotland, but his progress
was short and he was soon forced
to withdraw once again to
the Continent, due to the dithering
ineptness of the Earl of
Mar, who frittered while the Whigs
flooded the island with
Hessians.
By the
time Toussaint got another opportunity to leave
the inn, Foster, Lord Derwentwater,
and Lord Gascoyne had
already lost their heads in the
dreaded Tower. Their skulls
were jammed on pikes to be picked
cleaned by ravens while
their quartered bodies were burned
and their ashes tossed
into the shit-filled River Thames.
Indeed, Death's bony hand
had been seen writing in the sky
above Newgate the day he
again knocked on the door of the
guardhouse with a large
pillow case filled with fragrant
pommes frites.
"Cor'!" shouted the guards in unison as they laid eyes
once again on the African. Surrounded
by rusty halberds, he
was brought immediately to Warden
Langly's quarters. As usual
at this hour, Long John lay drunk
abed. Though closed in the
next room, his harsh snores shook
the plates in the kitchen
dresser.
Lucy dismissed
the guards and quickly unstuffed the pil-
low case, stuffing her own face
with this golden trove of
luscious cooked spuds. When she
could no longer go on, when
every winkle and cavity in her
robust body was stuffed with
gloriously sodden pommes frites,
she declared, "I'll give you
anything for the recipe."
Toussaint
motioned toward the door behind which her
spouse still raucously snored.
"Don't
worry," she replied. "He does what I tell 'im or
else."
"The price
is freedom for my friend, the prisoner
Dermot Dunléavy, his friend
Luc du Barry, and any douzaine
other men that he names."
"Done,"
she replied wiping her hands joyously on her
smock. "They'll be a fire tomorrow
night in the Middle Dark
and God knows how many poor devils
will perish in it!"
She giggled
wickedly.
"But in
addition to providing the recipe," she con-
tinued, "you must move in here
at Newgate and cook for me.
You don't know the plans I have!"
"D'accord,"
said Toussaint. "It's a deal."
He smiled
exposing a row of yellowing teeth..
"You're
an ugly devil but I think I like you. What's
your name?" she asked.
"Toussaint
Finale."
"Oooh!
Lala!" she groaned approvingly. "French. Is you
one of them you-go-nots?"
"No, madame,
I am martiniquais."
"Cor'
blimey! I'll drink to that. I bloody will."
Toussaint
told Dermot of the agreement and plan and
Dermot was so delighted that he
embraced the former slave and
kissed his cheek. He then suggested
that they double-cross
the avaricious Lucy. He instructed
Toussaint to wait at Le
Coq D'Or the evening of the following
night and they would
come for him.
"Après
cela, La Belle France!" he declared.
The next
night, as plotted, a smokey fire was started in
the black depths of the Middle
Dark. Dermot, Lucas, Calum Mac
An Tòisich and his son Séamus,
and ten hand-picked heroes of
Clann Ghiolla Catain disappeared
through the gates....[and
escaped eventually to France].
.... meanwhile
back in Lo'ndon, Toussaint was ensconced
in a cramped but comfortable room
next to the warden's
quarters. Had Dermot and
his friends succeeded in finding
the Coq D'Or restaurant, they would
not have found Toussaint
there, for he had been collected
by a squad of burly warders
sent out by Lucy Langley who, suspicious
by heredity and
environment, did not trust the
martiniquais to honor his
bargain. The next morning while
his liberator slept snugly in
Dick Turpin's camp, Toussaint was
wide awake and explaining
to Lucy Langly the proper cutting
and cooking of pommes
frites.
"First,
you must remove la pelure, or the skin, from the
pomme de terre, or po-tah-to. Then
trim the ends and sides
with a furious blow of the knife.
Alors! You have a perfect
rectangle of white flesh. Seize
it and cut into slices of un
demi-pouce, one half inch of thickness.
D'accord! You must
cut these slices encore une fois
to the length of a demi-
pouce. Voilà! The perfect
shape to absorb the fragrant fat!"
Piles
of firm white potato flesh were soon being bathed
in cauldrons of hot fat. The rich
fragrance filled the mean
and narrow streets of Newgate with
an odor that brought water
to the mouth of even the most grim
porridge eater. No odor
had done as much for the downtrodden
hearts of the poor since
the incense had been removed from
the church of the Grey
Friars some generations earlier.
"It's like 'eaven," said one
ragged passerby, proffering a ha'penny
for a small portion of
spuds.
"'Eaven,
Hindeed!" answered Lucy and that very afternoon
Ye Heavenly Spudde Shoppe was born,
its sign complete with
neat ranks of potatoes, flanked
by white feathery wings and
crowned with golden halos. Soon
Lucy and Toussaint were not
only supplying prisoners, visitors
and screws with snacks, as
first intended, but half of Newgate
town as well. In addition
to preparing and cooking the firm,
white flesh of these tasty
Peruvian tubers, Toussaint also
found himself obliged to
service the white not so firm flesh
of Lucy Langly, nights in
his cramped room and days in the
even more cramped, spud-
stuffed pantry of the cook shop.
"Oh my dark snack!" Lucy was wont to cry as she was
overcome with intense bodily delight.
As she had always been
a food enthusiast, such cries brought
no reaction from her
husband, who was often in earshot
during these encounters. Of
course, Toussaint knew that one
could not cuckold forever
even the dullest bête and
so derived little joy from these
strenuous sessions. He would always
imagine amid her ecstasy
that one day soon his other head,
harder and ever more valu-
able than the one between his legs,
would be gracing Warden
Langly's pewter plate as that of
St. Jean Baptiste had done
Herod's.
One Friday
morning in a penitential mood, remembering
his Saviour's death on Calvary,
he breaded some flaky white
flesh of cod and absentmidedly
bathed it in boiling fat as he
would pomme frites. He did this
for several Fridays running
until Lucy could not longer resist
the temptation to taste
the golden coated fish even though
she was afraid she'd be
struck down by the God of Abraham
and Jacob, as she held
Friday fish-eating to be the height
of Popish superstition.
A bite of fish followed by a bite
of potato. Fish, Potato.
Fish. Potato. Potato. Fish. She
swooned in ecstasy like a
love-starved maiden who had just
been awakened by her
handsome prince. It was only with
difficulty and a basin of
cold water to the face that Toussaint
was able to revive her.
So it was that "fish and chips"
were born as the dish came to
be called by the hungry inhabitants
of Newgate. And they were
cooked and eaten every day of the
week to avoid any hint of
Popish superstition or sedition.
The fame of Ye Heavenly
Spudde Shoppe spread throughout
the capital and soon even the
great merchants and Whig worthies
were making the pilgrimage
to Newgate. The shop was expanded
and chairs and tables and
servers were added. So it was that
within a year Toussaint,
being entitled to a third share
of the profits, grew wealthy,
The other two thirds went to Lucy
and her husband although
Long John did little except snore
and otherwise not interfere
with his wife's schemes. As an
escaped slave, Toussaint
feared such notoriety would prove
his undoing, so he hired a
lawyer who through well-placed
intermediaries in the port of
Liverpool was able to purchase
his freedom from Mr. Lyle for
the princely sum of £200.
Although he found the idea of pur-
chasing his own God-given freedom
offensive, he thought it
the better part of valour. Meanwhile,
his partner Lucy had
bought a coach-and-four and had
added a large extension onto
the warden's quarters.
The shop
had been good to her and she would would have
been more than happy to have continued
operating it in her
accustomed fashion. Now a freeman
and free to act as he
would, Toussaint had grander ideas.
"I want
us to go public," he announced boldly.
Lucy first
flushed then grew deadly pale.
"Cor'
Blimey! You want us to do it in front of the 'ole
neighborhood, you do?"
She held
a hand over her eyes as if about to swoon.
"Pas du
tout, mon bête blanc! I mean we should form a
corporation and sell stocks. I
have been listening to our
customers. These rich Whigs, n'est-ce
pas? One of them, a
Monsieur Winter, has come all the
way from L'Irlande to eat
our poissons et pommes frites.
He has convinced me that
incorporating is the most logical
and least dangerous course
if we wish to protect our investment.
You see, we are repon-
sible for what we cook. If a hundred
customers choke on fish
bones from our poissons then we
lose our fortune paying them
damages. The same is true if our
lard becomes rancid and they
are empoisonnés by our poissons.
It is we who must pay. Mon-
sieur Winter says that man was
created by God, but that Adam
sinned and we suffer for it. Because
of this Original Sin, we
are responsible for our actions.
But the corporation is not a
creature of God but of man, specifically
lawyers. A corpora-
tion is a Second Creation, as Monsieur
Winter explains it,
a creation that is free of Sin
and Guilt. Mon Dieu! If a
hundred of our customers choke
on bones or are poisoned by
poissons, we personally will not
have to go to the Poorhouse
in order to pay for the calamity.
We have only to let this
merveilleux creation, the corporation,
go banquerotte."
"Cor'
Blimey! Sounds like black magic to me!" said
Lucy enthusiastically. "This 'ere
Missure Winter is sure a
clever fella, ain't he?"
"Ah, Monsieur
L'Hiver! he is coming again tonight. He
is bringing his partner with him,"
he explained. "They have
capital they wish to invest with
us. mon grand choux. We can
expand our business all over."
Uriah
Winter and his partner arrived on the stroke of
midnight just as the last customer
was leaving the shop, his
front stained with fat but his
face beaming with satisfact-
ion. While the waiter lifted the
empty chairs on the tables
and swept the floor, which was
littered with scraps of fish
and potatoes, Toussaint led his
guests through the kitchen
into the warden's newly furnished
parlour where Lucy awaited
them.
Winter's
partner was a tall man in a black cloak. He had
sharp features and wore a goatee
on his chin. Two piercing
eyes stared out from under heavy
eyebrows. He looked young in
a mature way and Lucy found him
thoroughly handsome save for
his teeth which were like chips
of coal, blue-black and
thoroughly rotten.
"Well,
girl, you can't have everything," mumbled Lucy,
casting a furtive glance at the
stranger's crotch.
"What
is your friend's name?" she asked coyly.
"Mister
Jack De Ville," answered the tall stranger. "At
your service."
Messieurs
Winter and De Ville explained how they wished
to invest several thousand pounds
sterling in Ye Heavenly
Spudde Shoppe. What they had in
mind was to open a series of
these shops throughout London and
in nearby "centers of
population," as Mr. De Ville put
it, including Oxford,
Cambridge and the historic town
of Canterbury. Lucy was very
taken by his way of talking.
"You want
to set up a chaîne des restaurants," said
Toussaint enthusiastically. using
a metaphor drawn from his
long experience as a slave.
"By Jove,"
said Winter. "That's it exactly. A chain of
restaurants! All serving the exact
same delicious fish and
chips! Tons of it!"